I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
