I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
