If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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