First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
