I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
