Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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