i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
