i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
