I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
as a side note pls kill me
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
