Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
