I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
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Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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