So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
