I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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