if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I fill condoms, not promises.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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