sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
