The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Randomize
