im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
