Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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