I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
