It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
