Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
It's never too late to be topless.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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