Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Randomize
