ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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