Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
