I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Brb crying the tears of my youth
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
