Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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