Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
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She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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