dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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