I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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