my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
