They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
