I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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