I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
