Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
