I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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