I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
