Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
