You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
