Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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