she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
