im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
