I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
