I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
