Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
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She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
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So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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