did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
