Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
