I accidentally had phone sex last night
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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