I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
