Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
