Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
