OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
