I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
