If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Randomize
