U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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