I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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