dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
